Jack of hearts, the charm you posess
consumes me wholly. With a smile
Warm and geometrical, could I ever say
No? Not even as you bid it so.

Yet you bear your heart so
Bear your heart so
Your heart

I never knew this way of playing,
With me on the table. I wish I could say
I wasn’t all in. Then again, I wont say
This isn’t enticing.

As you bear your heart so
Bear your heart so
Openly
You bear your heart so openly
(again)

Jack of hearts, have you what you
Desired? I can’t help but admire your
Play. Hit me again, as I said I’m
All in I’m not a gal to tire easily.

Because you bear your heart so
Bear your heart so
Bear your heart so
Openly

Down, down into the pretty bed we made
Down with your blues

With my heart on the tips of my fingers once
Again, oh you nearly had it then. Something
Happened, rather nothing at all, we fell

Down, down off your tall skyscraper
Down with these blues

I cried shattered and empty handed. Yet
Hopeful I would wait for your heart’s return
For your blues are mine.

I’m down, down for you
Down for you
Down for you
Down, Down
Im down for you

Thing with blues, they’re really so
Lovely. So red, yellow, I see mahogany.

I’m down with you blues.

You sit here in my heart, pulling at it’s coiling
Strings. I still desire to keep you here, only I’m
Terrified for all the life I have within this moment.
You take me so high when i hardly know to
Expect it, yet cut me down when I fully forsee
Nothing. Hate me not for my protection, not for my
Bitter beings, hate me not. Hurt me not.

How does one flower know when to defy that
Wind wich blows it down? For it looks so right
To let loose, to follow the flow, to bend. But every
Poppy is to be seen and commended for it’s unique
Beauty. Which happens to appear so average, I can’t help
Only to desire one will look closer. Perhaps I do need
Assistance, I would love a little persistance in your
Trying to believe in me. Or as merely my onlooker you
Are to hurt me. Please just don’t hate me.

As did the sun cool it’s blaze. I
Unfaithfully felt our embraces counted.
Between us stood days, of over analytical
Fear. You told me of the calmness, the maze
And Hurricane forcast. I was too cold to
Hear.

A young sun is but a star. Ours burns
Heat unbearable to the millimeter. With
Your own heat surrounding me, I feel
Far. Because I couldn’t put my faith in you.
I wish upon a galaxy full of suns nothing as
Ours. I had.

Your face melted me, a smile with such
Geometrical form. I couldn’t have stayed
Away from a pull such. Comparable to that of
Gravity, between apple and Earth. Sun and Moon.
Your heart to mine.

I wasn’t quite sure how to take that, being eleven. I mean literally, I knew it meant my soul appeared to be much further along in age than it should have been. But was this good, was it bad, was it something that I should be ashamed of? Should I change?

I can’t really say I ever figured that out exactly.

I loved my family. I loved the way they all came together, in my mind, for the holidays. To wish each other happiness and good fortune. I love the way they would hold me in my sleep, and enter my dreams the way I’d always dreamt. I loved thinking of them, because they always felt so far away, further than the previous thought. I would have conversations in my head, with everyone all sitting around listening to me talk, about these crazy ideas and dreams I had. Everyone laughing, smiling, happy. I wanted to be their focus, their reason for coming together. I was such a little attention whore.

I was really quite lonely. I would take the attention from anyone, or just imagine it was there. I always wanted more. I believe I forced myself upon people, my family, to achieve this feeling of belonging. That I connected with someone. I fit a mold, maybe fit into a puzzle, brought something to the table, was remembered, thought of, desirable.

I went to Sekiu with my Grandma, because I always wanted to be close to her. I often had these dreams she would be locked away in someone’s car truck, gagged and bound, driven away and killed before I ever got to say goodbye. I had this nightmare like 4 times that year. I was a freak. I figured though, the time I got to spend with people I had created these delusional relationships with was time to cherished no matter how I was feeling on the inside. Even being in the same room with a person doesn’t necesarrily made you connected. I was on another planet.

So as the sun went down and I tired of thinking of how fucked up I was inside, I decided I would get some much needed alone time and go run the beach (which happens to be the sunset at the top of this page). Nothing but me and my thoughts. Washington beaches. Tall razor grass with a narrow pathway down to the sand. The cold sand. Dark sand. Sand made over thousands of years of these dark black and grey shady rocks grinding together breaking each other down. As hard as the surf smashes them together. Distributed for thousands of miles along this coast. This west coast. Dark sand that’s always cold and usually wet, with big logs near the tree lines. Big black rocks dotting the surface. Broken shells from uncaring feet. Tufts of razor grass. Sea foam. Cold. I ran by looking at it all, wanting to feel connected. Like I changed something. However the waves washed my footprints away. The same waves could wash me away. Maybe I’d take them up on that.

I don’t think I’ve changed much since I was eleven.

My insides twist into a cluster of
Who knows what. Occasional lipses of
Clarity send me reeling, spiraling, flailing
Unto this hazy sense of unreality. In all the
Shit, there’s you, which I couldn’t hold
Any better. You’re crystaline sillouhette
Dissolves into the gaping, thought provoking,
Ever choking infection within me. I’m fucking
Broken.

This is too much desperation and not
Ever enough procreation. I bleed lines,
Feelings, Dreams to you while you push me
Down into this pool of self-inspiration. As most,
What kills me is only causing me to live, but what
Life could go on such as this. Oh but it does, I’m
Fucking lame.

We talked for a minute last night but he had to go. He said he’d try to call back, I read for a while and then crashed out. It’s not like he texted me today, to say hey, or even to show he cares at all. It’s apparent I keep checking and hoping, but he’d never know, he’d never know I’m a mess on the inside. He’d never know I’m on the verge of tears right now. Because on the outside I’m cold, I’m a shell, and quite frankly it’s fucking easy over text message or phone conversation, but in person, could I keep my face straight?

“Hey I passed by your house just now and I thought of you and I wanted to let you know I miss you.”
What do I say to that, because when I see it my heart starts pounding, then it stops because I freeze. WHAT DO I SAY, HOW LONG DO I WAIT TO SOUND LIKE I HARDLY CARE, UGHHH. I want to say I miss him too, and I think about him a gazillion times a day, and I miss him with every note in every song, and I want to take him across the world, across the universe with me. But I have to be cool, so I tell him about my new Russian freind Scott teaching me a word a day so I say Pazhalusta which means your welcome, and I just realized I said it meant thank you… OMG lol and I tell him I’m well and doin the same things and I bought a buncha music, and ask how he’s doing…

He’s telling me he wants to come over in the morning because he’s doing an overnight, or see me soon. I just don’t get why, why is he holding on so tightly to me, and not giving me the time or space to get over him??? Doesn’t he realize how I feel?? I mean that’s why we stopped talking because I spilled my guts, and got mad at him for being so… dumb. He knows how I feel inside, he knows how much i adore him. I meant every stupid feeling I spoke yet he’s doing this to me, what do I do? I want to have this stupid little hope that he wants me back, like hold on to things that most likely don’t mean a damn thing, you know me, I’ve told you I do this before…

I could really use that bottle of wine now.